Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I intend to get homeless drunk
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
