so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
