i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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