you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
