Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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