i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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