i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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