theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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