when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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