she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
