my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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