I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
