When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My ass is underappreciated
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
