my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
