wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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