there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
