It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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