me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
