i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize