he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
