So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
