we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
