why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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