Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
a search helicopter?!
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize