I could have mohawked her pubes.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
