My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
