My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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