Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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