I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
