so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
