friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
