You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
