I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
