Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
