I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
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