I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
