I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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