I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
