how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
