I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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