she woke up with a sticky ear
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize