im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
