I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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