Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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