Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
