How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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