I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
