You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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