I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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