did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
