No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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