I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
pop tarts are not kleenex
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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