i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
