I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Non-Jews are for practice
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
