I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
