The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
