If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
BRING THE BAGELS
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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