I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
