Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
