I wish my penis had an off switch
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
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