I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
