you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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