If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
