Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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